Having a hard time

So I’m having a hard time with a lot of things. I’m tired again most of the day. I feel ugly. I feel overweight. I have weird stomach cramps. I just don’t feel good. And my anxiety is peaking randomly throughout the day. I don’t feel good about my purpose in life, my direction..everything seems out of wack.

I want to take tomorrow off. I feel like I just need a break. It all seems too much. I’m trying to feel better and pull myself into calmness..crossing fingers :).

Soothing Your Skin from Sunburn

NBGG hot day photo

Hey friends!

So I have a question for you? How have you been taking care of your skin this summer? Here in Little Rock it’s been a serious SCORCHER and even I, who rarely worries about the sun, have been making sure I’m using my sun screening oils on a regular basis.

The other day, a friend of mine stayed out in the sun a little too long and ended up with a nasty sunburn. She could barely touch it without wincing. When she asked if I knew anything that might help, my mind immediately went to my mental store of essential oils.

What I came up with for her was tea tree and lavender essential oils to soothe the inflammation and burning. Lavender would also help with the healing process.

They both are safe to use directly on the skin but since sunburn is what we were dealing with, I advised her to put them in a base of coconut oil or aloe vera gel. Both of these are soothing to the skin and also help it repair and rebuild.

Since she needed a quick fix though and we were at my studio, I mixed her up an essential oil blend in safflower oil so that she could apply something immediately. Safflower oil is excellent for skin in general because of its high linoleic acid concentration and its anti-inflammatory properties (again, great for sunburn).

 

Self-Appreciation

So you may or may not know that I make and sell makeup. I hope you do know lol. That means I’m getting better at marketing :-).

In any case, I started making eyeshadows first because I loved the colors. (Color theory is fun and a nice break from stoic science-minded work.) I’d worked up bright blues, yellows, oranges, plums, aquas – just about every color on the color wheel and then some. Some were beautifully vibrant on my eyes and some just disappeared (I was still learning my craft.

Today I happened to find one of those old shadows in a bright purple! Since the makeup lasts forever, I decided to go ahead and put it on in full appreciation of myself and my talents :-).

What you see is the result of my silly yet necessary love me selfie fest :-D.

PhotoGrid_1436919542140

Missing the feeling…

Golden Feelings

Because Raggedy Ann reminds me of my childhood :). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I woke up today missing being pregnant. I missed that feeling of something growing inside of me. Like knowing for real that something was growing inside of me, not just pretending what it would feel like. (I know I’m not the only one who does that from time to time :)).

It kinda sucked knowing that I just didn’t have that feeling anymore and that I wouldn’t have it anytime soon. So I didn’t fight the sucky feeling. I entertained my mind with internet chatter, lounged in bed between sleep and silly smiles at ridiculous internet pics and videos, and basically waited until the idea of getting up and seeing some projects get done was more appealing than staying in bed. And finally I found the motivation to get up. Luckily Fridays are my new days off since I started a new dance class on Mondays so I could afford to lollygag.

My good friend ladybug checked on me today and reminded me one day at a time :). Yep.

Another good friend told me about an awesome dream she had about me publishing an herbs for the home book and her loving it. That really made me smile. Mostly because it’s something I’ve dreamed about. And although I always have lots of projects, I have some so dear to my heart that I’ve never finished. That’s one of them. What a lovely auspicious dream.

So one other good thing about my miscarriage. I get to work on these projects without morning sickness and a 9 month deadline :-D.

Silver linings people. Silver linings :).

Less Emotion, A Little More Balanced

So today, I’m feeling a little less emotional and a little more balanced. I’m not rushing the process. I’m being really intentional about telling myself I don’t have to get over this in a hurry. I don’t have soldier on and act like nothing’s happened or like I wasn’t disappointed or that I wasn’t super freakin’ happy and gleeful just a few days ago. Heck, I don’t even have to act like this is something in the past and that I should be over it 3 days later.

Sometimes the internet is a beautiful place. For one, it’s helping me realize grieving and feeling sad and even being affected is ok. Instead of thinking those women with whole blogs devoted to their recovery are weak, I’m seeing them as strong and valid and brave. How brave to share openly and repeatedly about something that a lot of people think is just a “you win some, you lose some” type of occurrence.

It’s ok that I was thinking of baby names so super early. It’s ok that I’d even come up with a tentative one Aria Doris if the baby was a girl like I was feeling. (I’d only gotten through the A names :-)). It’s ok that I was thinking about all the cute clothes that I’d get passed on to me whether baby was a boy or a girl (because one sister is having a boy and the other sister is having a girl). It’s ok that I was thinking about how freaking adorable of a story that would be to tell our kids, the cousins – each mommy got pregnant and had you in reverse order, youngest to oldest sister just three months apart. It’s ok that I’m sad that we can’t have that story anymore.

It’s ok that on Sunday when I stopped bleeding that I was overjoyed and thought ok, this is a great sign! Things MUST be ok. And then Tuesday they weren’t.

I had a great session today with my therapist. (Yes, I am in therapy and you know what – I’m 38 now, I don’t have to be ashamed of that. Everyone who likes having me around, trust me you are also happy that I got myself to therapy when I did ;-)).

Today she brought to my attention that these kinds of things are also about growth. I’m generally emotionally shut down – even though I’m one of the most emotionally wired people you could know. Which makes for a mess of neurosis. People who knew me in my 20s had to deal with so much of that crazy mix. Now in my 30s and late 30s, I’m more balanced, more able to get a hold of the crazy. And now I’m slowly coming out of an emotional shell. How shall I explain that – I’m a lot better at expressing deep emotions without feeling like a crazy lady and without making everyone else around me feel put upon or crazy themselves. That’s growth my people :).

So, this whole miscarriage ordeal, it’s definitely helping me grow. For one, I didn’t think I could handle something like this. And yesterday I was feeling like, I don’t want to go through this again/this was a sign that having a baby isn’t in my future.

And then later that day, (after a fun dance class – it is true that doing things you enjoy really helps out with the less pleasant parts of life) I felt like well maybe it’s not such a bad idea to keep taking my prenatals. And this morning I felt like yes! I will keep taking my prenatals – who knows what the future holds and I want a healthy body for this healthy baby that I’m praying is on the way one day soon (because I mean, I’m 38).

So one day at a time right? Right. :).

Saddest Days

Today is one of the saddest days of my life. I found out that I miscarried. That’s really difficult to deal with, being 38 and having never conceived before. There are so many dreams that just shattered the moment my doctor said she was sure.

There were so many fears seemingly confirmed too.

I don’t want to talk about it. But then I do. I don’t want to share it but then I don’t want the burden of trying to act normal when I’m grieving inside.

My life has always been hard. and it seems for no good reason. It just always has fallen short despite my best efforts. And trust me, I’m always putting my best effort forth. Annoyingly so. This feels like another case in point. Being pregnant was wonderful. A dream come true. A beacon of light. A reason to persevere.

Not being pregnant is like a slap in the face snapping me out of thinking life could be easy or that things could just go well for a change.

I know it’s just the sadness talking, but it’s good to honor it right?

To all my fellow medicine women out there…

So I saw this video today..

And I kind of loved it.

It truly resonated with my soul. What happened to that girl? What happened to the granola, hippy chick that loved having jars full of beautiful herbs, tinctures, balms, oils, and the like sitting around her. The girl that loved to make stuff – teas, scrubs, concoctions, remedies, medicines. All of that. Where did she go?

I think she got caught up in proving something to someone. She got caught up in trying to produce, in trying to “make something of herself”. Of trying to “be productive”.

Do you know that it’s hard for me to make something just because. Just because I want to? Crazy right? Not attached to an end goal – not a gift for somebody or a product to sell. But just something because I wanted to make it. Because making it in and of itself brings me peace and joy and giddy gleefulness.

Like today :). Today I FINALLY made some natural deodorant. After weeks of planning to. I finally (actually last night) started the process and finished it up this morning. And my deodorant, just enough for one batch for me, is sitting out solidifying and I’m just so happy about it.

I’m making a pact with myself to find my medicine woman again. Let her hang out with me and get her fill of playing with herbs and oils and alcohols. I’m envisioning a nice little 3 shelf bookcase filled with my jars filled with my herbs. I’m excited about it. The image makes me ecstatic :). That means it’s bound to happen ;-).

Here’s to my shelf full of herbs and healing :).

Charlie Pup Gave me a Scare!

Charlie Pup

Charlie wanting attention this morning…

Ack! Yesterday morning I had quite the scare with Charlie pup. We were doing our usual hanging out – him and SuzyQ laying on the rug – me in my chair typing away. Well he was unusually bothersome this morning. He kept trying to jump on my lap, paw me, and just generally get my attention.

AND THEN all of a sudden he was frozen on the ground, shaking and drooling a bit.

It looked like when I had my potassium deficiency and all of my muscles cramped up, making it impossible for me to move.

I was scared to say the least! He then tried to walk a little and just kept falling over like he couldn’t control his legs. Of course, I fumbled for the emergency vet number and gave them a call.

Strange thing is that by the time I got off the phone with them, Charlie started to be able to walk again. I had a few treats for SuzyQ to get her outside and he popped up (shakily) and tried to get his share.

20150705_112006

Cutie at the vet.

I still wanted to take him to the vet though, so we got in the car and headed over.

The vet couldn’t find anything wrong with my furboy, so we’re just going to cross fingers that he’ll continue to be ok. They suspected that it could be pain in his back from being a little longer than other dogs (They haven’t met SuzyQ yet..) with short legs coupled with his age of 7(ish).

The visit all together was $75, which is less than opportune at this time of the month BUT, the peace of mind the visit gave me is worth it.

20150705_115536

Happily riding along…

And it was a good practice in money magic. Believing that it was right and ok for me to spend that money on Charlie’s health and knowing and expecting it to comeback multi-fold is the mental state I’m in :).

My next adventure with the pups is going to be an essential oil blend for fleas. They have been so terribly plagued this summer and I want to free them from this misery asap!

20150705_115710

Yes mommy, these fleas are intolerable!

I might blend it tonight or I might bite the bullet and buy someone else’s blend just to start out – we shall see…

Letting GO

 

Have you ever had a moment in your life where you just really had to let go. I’m sure you have – we all have. I’ve been working with this concept this past week. Some things are happening in my life right now that are just out of my control. I don’t know what the outcome is going to be. Indicators are all wonky and all over the place. I can’t speed up the future no matter how much I want to. I can’t guestimate where things might land, no matter how much I research and speculate and research again.

All that I can really do is let go. And have faith.

 

Aaargh right.

 

Sometimes letting go is the hardest thing to do. Many people have guessed that the why has to do with our need to be in control. But even deeper than that is a need beneath that one to feel safe.

 

Being in control sounds a bit selfish, self centered, and definitely a tad egotistical.

 

But feeling safe is a desire that we can all relate to. Letting go is so difficult because it feels like stepping backwards off a cliff and falling on purpose with your back parallel to the ground below. Who in the world would do that on purpose??

 

It feels like willingly giving up control, thereby giving up your power. What if there was something you could have done to affect the situation if only you’d known? If only you’d checked that last website…If only you’d gone left instead of right…If only you’d thought twice about that one thing…

 

But when you let go, you let a higher wisdom take over.

 

You let your highest self start playing the game. You let your spiritual reinforcements kick in and the invisible forces of blessings, faith, and grace take over where you weren’t mentally equipped to continue.

 

That’s the true beauty of letting go and that’s the gift in letting go.

 

What I’ve found is that letting go is freeing – not just in the sense that you don’t feel burdened anymore with the outcome – but also freeing in the sense that letting go allows you to trust that an invisible safety net is there no matter what.

 

That safety net is going to catch you in your fall. It’s going to bounce you back and hold you up. It’s going to cushion any blows and allow you to just enjoy the falling, to enjoy the feeling that something is there for you. Something is there making things safe for you. You don’t have to worry about your safety from the outcome. You know you will be safe regardless of the outcome.

 

I’ve reached that point of knowing I’m going to be safe no matter the outcome. Things will be right no matter how they turn out. That’s peace.

 

Of course it evolves and is stronger one day than perhaps the next day but that is progression and that is our human condition.

 

If you find yourself struggling with letting go, remember the gift in it and allow yourself to feel safe and protected by something more capable than you are. It’s working for me and I hope it works for you!