Today’s post might not be so positive and it’s totally off the cuff – so excuse the typos please.
I’m dealing with some self loathing right now. And how does that happen? How does it happen that, no matter how hard we *try* at being the person we want to be, at being the person who is inspiring and admirable, the person who does everything the right way at the right time, the first time, that we fall short. Oh I know the answer. I know it’s because we aren’t perfect. and that life is for learning. and that these experiences are our duality. they help us see opportunity where there was once only opposition in our view. They help us grow into the person we always were. I know. I know. I know this. It doesn’t hurt any less. It doesn’t sting any softer. It doesn’t make the ache of judgement disappear.
And so what is the rub? How does one deflect against someone else’s lack of understand. Someone else’s railing of judgement. Someone else’s condemnation of you. Regardless of the reasons. because reasons are just that, never excuses. And I know this.
so how? how do you walk past that. stand tall through it. forgive yourself. forgive them. say thank you God. and see the beauty and the opportunity. And not just the opportunity to do something different next time. but the true opportunity. the opportunity in that very thing happening. what it’s bringing you in that moment. how it’s directly making your life better if you will just let it.
And that’s the part – letting it. Being in the moment enough to say I am grateful for this thing happening. Being able to say “I’m going to say to myself this is why this happened, I’m not going to ask why did this happen.” “I’m going to assign it its value, not try to guess at it.”(That gem of thought is courtesy of Neale Donald Walsch, the author of Conversations with God.) Being able to say I’m going to let it be a blessing. I’m going to suspend judgement of myself because all that judgement is really in my mind. because someone else’s judgement is not my reality. mostly because they just don’t have the whole story and I do. And judgement sucks anyway. because who the heck is perfect enough to judge.
and so what I’m going to do instead is allow myself to see the blessing.The blessing even in how the happening has rocked my emotions and made me swim and bob, get pulled under and resurface again through the feeling waves of self-loathing and self-disappointment – like I’ve been exposed as a fraud. Even though I’ve been doing my very best. I’m going to stand a bit taller and say to the Universe, “I get it. Another choice. I get it.”. I’m going to choose what I will focus on. I will remind myself that I am worthy. And I will even remind myself that in this situation, I am right. Past be damned. I am right. And I will remind myself that I have always always always been doing my best. I know drug dealers, psychotics, and sociopaths could arguably say the same thing but hey who’s to say that it’s still not, at it’s essence, just the truth. If I can just keep doing my best, I know, for myself at least, my best will keep getting better. I can choose not to care one bit about what someone thinks of me, especially when they don’t have all of the information. And that’s my choice. I can choose to remove the self loathing and self disappointment and replace it with the understanding that I know I have for myself and the excitement of opportunity, whatever it is. If I see it in my mind’s eye, I know it will come.
I’m seeing it. I’m so seeing it.